Saturday, October 10, 2009
I hereby award
The Astonishingly Shiny Cup of All Cups to the States of Bihar, Goa and Orissa, all of whose residents yesterday expertly proferred Database Excellence to Me, Captain SQL, based on their hiring by FlyByNightConsulting Ltd., and their graduation from Close Cover Before Striking University. Their stupid fucking code timed out because they are stupid, trying to pull millions of rows in a merge scan join across an 800 Baud dial up line, thereby wrecking the application for the day but saving the company literally tens of dollars through cheap labor. First thing every man jack of them did was crawl all over the catalog.
What about the authorizations tables Cappy? What does that do?
Does this really have to access table statistics?
Dumbass!
Here's a thought for you, Skippy. Stick to your fucking job. Do SQL. It's easy. Here are your statements, aptly illustrated by the Captain SQL Department of Apt Illustration:
SELECT: As in SELECT TO-DO-MY-JOB from MY.SKILL-SET
UPDATE: As in UPDATE MY.EMPLOYMENT SET PROJECT='ONE-THAT-I-CAN-HANDLE'
INSERT: As in INSERT (CAPTAIN, SQLS, FOOT) INTO YOUR.ASS
DELETE: As in DELETE CURRENT OF OVERSOLD-BULLSHIT-CONTRACTORS FROM THIS-PLANET.
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What about the authorizations tables Cappy? What does that do?
Does this really have to access table statistics?
Dumbass!
Here's a thought for you, Skippy. Stick to your fucking job. Do SQL. It's easy. Here are your statements, aptly illustrated by the Captain SQL Department of Apt Illustration:
SELECT: As in SELECT TO-DO-MY-JOB from MY.SKILL-SET
UPDATE: As in UPDATE MY.EMPLOYMENT SET PROJECT='ONE-THAT-I-CAN-HANDLE'
INSERT: As in INSERT (CAPTAIN, SQLS, FOOT) INTO YOUR.ASS
DELETE: As in DELETE CURRENT OF OVERSOLD-BULLSHIT-CONTRACTORS FROM THIS-PLANET.
Labels: techwhining