Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Visit to the Big City 

Just got back from New York and boy, are my arms tired! Stick around for more corny wisecracks. Flew there on Sunday bright and early with my daughter and with the ex in tow. The girl was going to visit colleges there. The ex had enough medication to prevent drama successfully.

Promptly walked to the vicinity of the Empire State Building where I completed the obligatory embarassing the daughter by pointing to it and stating you sure can store a lot of corn there. On the way back to the hotel I identified a home that was thoroughly flamingoed. Never too far to perform a practical joke.

Further embarrasment by pointing at the Chrysler Building and repeating you sure can store a lot of corn there. Then Erica came over and I delivered two more wisecracks along along with edible Buckeyes and an Ohio State lunch box. That came with a warning to keep it out of Eric's reach, since those SEC guys keep eating our lunch. She was in considerable pain due to a fall in a nasty pothole merely yards from the hotel. Dr. Cappy recommends martinis. Take two of these every half hour for 7 days. I offered to fill in the pothole with Dennis Kucinich. Pretty good, huh? A pothole filled by an asshole? Nevertheless, it was great meeting her, the first real live blogger I've met for real. And she's just as entertaining in real life as on line. She's got to do a video of her Godfather impression in Yiddish. Who else comes up with this stuff these days? Me, for one. I tell you, it takes a solid grounding in Spike Jones, which helps a lot, and she's got that. So I told her a little about some fun in the past: getting plastered in Buffalo, decorating the bathroom in Buffalo, buying booze for college in Buffalo, getting plastered in Chicago, decorating similarly there, frat parties, lousy rotten projects, getting plastered during those rotten projects. All the good stuff.

And I needed that because the next day off we go to Barnard, a subsidiary of Columbia U. Wow. They need to sell tickets and refreshments for this college visit. I never thought I'd run into assholes like this after my kid was done with the private school the ratbastard judge in the divorce case sent her through Jr. High. But they're out there, lurking, waiting for their entitlement. Future little Hillary Clintons on parade. And the parents are engineering the whole thing. In fact, they did most of the talking. 10 out of 11 kids that apply won't be accepted. I have a better idea. Instead of resorting to ugliness, like attorneys, threats and bribes, why not just issue loaded weapons and lock the parents in a gym somewhere. The ones that survive will have their kids admitted. Good thing I wasn't watching Married With Children or Family Guy before the visit.

Actually, she picked up some good questions to ask at the next college visit. Then, when it was all over, we were on a side street parked up entirely with Volvos. Of course, I pointed to them and said You sure can store a lot of corn in those Volvos!

She owes me big time. I completely stifled important questions, like "How many of the girls major in sewing?" and "How did you gals do in this year's Pillsbury bakeoff?"

Next day she spent the whole day visiting a religious oriented school. She was much more interested there and we had to remind her to get back to the hotel at the end of the day. I think that place is for her. Meanwhile, I spent the evening eating then digesting the biggest steak I've had in a long time. It was Bobby Hillworthy. And best of all, the side dish was mashed potatoes inside a volcano cone onion rings. Why didn't someone think of this before?

Overall, a very good visit.

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